Counterintuitive study sheds light on why men take breakups so much harder than women

Evan Porter
Thu, 30 Jan 2025 22:19:07 +0000
Sex, Love, Romance, Men, Women, Mental health, Relationships

There are a few commonly held beliefs our society has about how men and women approach relationships differently. However, a new study set to be published in the journal Behavioral & Brain Sciences challenges these beliefs. The big headline? In general, men are shown to value relationships more, be more intentional about seeking them out, and take it much harder when a relationship ends.

We know they're generalizations, stereotypes even, and that they don't apply to everyone. But nevertheless, they somehow feel true.

Women want marriage, men don't want to commit

Women want relationships and romance, men just want sex

Men are happy to be single, women actively seek a partner

Women are devastated by breakups while men are happy to be 'free'

And so on and so on. To be frank, the findings don't jive with the common stereotypes of men's attitudes towards sex and relationships. At all!

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The study — which consisted of a comprehensive analysis of decades of research across fields like psychology, sociology, and evolutionary biology — uncovered 4 key findings.

Keep in mind that the study primarily looked at data from heterosexual couples and Western, educated, industrialized, rich, and democratic (WEIRD) populations. With that said, the findings were super interesting.

1. Single men are more likely to be actively seeking a partner than single women

This is definitely a surprise. It goes against the mental image of the free-wheeling bachelor who's happy to date and sleep around with no particular rush to settle down (thanks TV and film for constantly reinforcing this one!). It also indicates that, in general, women are far less antsy about being single than the cultural stereotype would suggest.

2. Men benefit more from relationships when it comes to their physical and mental health

To be fair, relationships are usually good for everyone's health... when they're supportive and satisfactory. (Abusive or toxic relationships are far worse.) But the data suggest a bigger gap between single and partnered men, who can experience less depression, stress, hypertension, inflammation, and more.

3. Men are less likely to initiate breakups

This definitely tracks with available data, which shows that a whopping 70% of divorces are initiated by women. That's not even close to being an even split! So it suggests there might be reason for such a big imbalance.

4. Men take breakups harder and display more psychological distress afterwards

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Another study showed that women may feel the effects of a break up more strongly at first, but are much quicker to recover and move on, while guys struggle to fully get over old relationships and even view their exes more positively overall. "They also experience more severe physical health consequences, including an increased risk of suicide and mortality after losing a partner through separation or death," writes PsyPost.

When you put it all together it paints a really interesting and counterintuitive picture of what's really going on before, during, and after relationships between men and women.

So are men just not getting credit for secretly being a bunch of hopeless romantics? Not so fast.

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Did you know that men usually score higher than women on a test called the Romantic Beliefs Scale? Guys are more likely to believe in things like love at first sight, soul mates, or working through any problem in a relationship. So it's safe to say they're a little more romantic than we give them credit for. (Just because men have romantic notions and may place a lot of value in relationships, doesn't automatically make them good partners... but that's another story.)

But that doesn't explain all the findings here. The more likely explanation lies in the way that men are raised and socialized.

Men have notoriously few intimate relationships outside of romance so it would make sense that they'd struggle when losing the one person they can open up to.

It could also explain why they might not initiate a break up even in a relationship that's not working and why they'd seek a partner out more aggressively. In general, women have a much larger network from which they can find intimacy and emotional support and are less reliant on romantic relationships.

Men's general state of loneliness could also explain why they benefit so much physically and mentally from being partnered. It's truly amazing that having strong social bonds with other people can be so good for your health, to the point where loneliness and isolation can actually hurt your longevity.

It's nice to think that guys might be more romantic than we give them credit for. But taking a breakup really hard is not necessarily a good thing. Men might be more likely to distract themselves from their pain with potentially harmful activities like overworking, drinking/drugs, or seeking rebound relationships or sex. Men are also more likely than women to stalk or otherwise harm their exes.

The 'male loneliness epidemic' has almost become a meme at this point, but it continues to rear its head in new and surprising ways. Being the sole outlet for a man's emotional support and intimacy is a lot of pressure to put on any woman in a relationship. We've got to raise the next generation of boys to feel comfortable seeking closeness in other arenas in life.