A hospice volunteer has a fascinating new take on people's most common deathbed regret

Cecily Knobler
Fri, 01 Aug 2025 19:10:45 +0000
Life lessons, Platonic relationships, Hospice nurse, Death, Dying, Best friends, Regret, Deathbed confessions, Friendship

Until the time comes, (and it will come) we can't possibly know how we will feel in our final moments on this Earth. What will run through our minds? Who will run through our minds? Will there be enough dopamine to make it all make sense, or will we be filled with 'what ifs?'

Over the years, many hospital and hospice workers have paid close attention to what people who are on their deathbeds say. What they're most proud of, and yes, what are their main regrets.

The lens through which these caregivers can often see is wiped clear by vulnerability, and what they relay to us could alter the very courses of our lives, if we take heed.

In an online series called 365 Lessons from Strangers, host David Eng interviews people on the street whom he doesn't know for life lessons. In a recent one (life lesson 228), he meets a woman named Kassi who shares a beautiful sentiment.

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She is asked, "How can we all live more happily?" and responds, "I've always been struck by the fact that we don't really value platonic relationships in society, the way that we should. I read this wonderful article. It was a person who worked as a hospice nurse, and they asked many, many people who were dying their top regrets in life. And when she averaged it out, the number one regret that people have on their deathbeds is not spending more time with their friends."

Though she didn't name the author, she might be referring to Jancee Dunn's New York Times article, "3 Lessons for Living Well, from the Dying." In it, she discusses her friend who is a hospice volunteer. "She hears one regret over and over from patients: letting relationships wither. They wish that they had made more plans with good friends, or they thought about getting back in touch with an old buddy, and talked themselves out of it."

Kassi continues, "Not that romantic or familial relationships aren't important. But in good times or bad, it's your friends that you want around you."

She makes the distinction between obligatory love (or love that might be perceived that way) and chosen love. "You've got to have somebody that you know loves you. And that doesn’t have any reason to be with you other than that they love you. I think in romantic relationships, there's always that fear that they're with you for sexual reasons or whatever. And that they don't really love and care about you.

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But the friend who has no ulterior motives? Who you always know has your best interest at heart. And you can trust that they love you. The rule of thumb is everybody should treat you with respect. There's no reason for anybody to disrespect you. And anybody who really loves you will always treat you with respect. When you find a person who's a good friend, who treats you with respect and loves you for who you are, grab a hold of them and don't ever let them go."

She concludes with a simple, yet lovely thought. "We're here to love and be loved. And to touch others and to be touched by other people. Everything else is secondary. Life is beautiful and it offers a lot of beautiful experiences: nice food, great music. But none of that offers anything near the people that you love and who love you. That's the most important thing. And that's what we're here for."

three women walking on brown wooden dock. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez ?? on Unsplash

The comments under her clip are touching. One wrote, "My mother always told me, 'Your friends will get you through life.'"

Another notes, "Platonic relationships are often the unsung heroes of emotional life. Deeply valuable, often more stable than romantic ones and chosen more freely than familial ones."

Many others took the moment to tag their friends in the thread and tell them they loved them.

One commenter mentions author Bronnie Ware who wrote the bestseller The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. They share the list, one which also includes keeping in touch with friends:

"I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish I had let myself be happier."