Relationship experts give three good reasons for staying friends with your ex

Cecily Knobler
Sun, 29 Jun 2025 17:28:13 +0000
Friendship, Love, Relationship, Romantic relationship, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Reddit, Forbes, Vogue, Breakups

Breakups are never fun. In fact, they can be downright excruciating. But the aftermath doesn't have to be. The truth is we often click with people, get swept away by potential, love them in a big way and then watch the whole thing run its course. Or worse, get blindsided by their change of heart when yours is still bleeding for them.

A sad message on a bathroom wall. Photo by Maria Oswalt on Unsplash

The question that so often comes is: where does the love go? Are there enough ingredients of affection that you can salvage and repurpose it into a friendship? Many relationship experts (and non-experts around the world) have differing opinions.

Some supply these answers by asking questions. In the article "3 Ways to Know if Staying Friends with an Ex is Possible – By a Psychologist" for Forbes, Mark Travers, PhD, states there are a few basic questions you should ask yourself before making this decision.

1) Were you friends before you dated?

Travers shares, "A classic study conducted by researchers at Illinois State University found that ex-partners were significantly more likely to remain friends after their breakup if they were friends before beginning their romantic relationship."

2) Why do you think your ex wants to remain friends?

Travers cites another study at the University of Kansas which claims there are "four main motivations for staying friends with an ex-romantic partner." They are: "Security, Practicality, Civility, Unresolved romantic desires." He notes that if the friendship is motivated by the latter (unresolved romantic desires), it's probably unlikely and ill-advised to pursue a platonic relationship post-breakup.

3) Why do YOU want to remain friends?

Again, Travers urges one to ask themselves what their motivation is. Do you have lingering feelings? Are you just not good with change? Is it a Band-Aid until you can fully explore your feelings?

Friendship necklace breaking. Giphy GIF by Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Other therapists offer up ways to help self-reflect as well. In Vogue India, Jenna Ryu writes, "Deciding to keep this person in your life isn’t just about whether you can make it work. It’s also about whether it’s healthy and mutually beneficial in the long run."

She cites Zoe Shaw, PsyD, and host of Stronger in the Difficult Places podcast, who has a few questions of her own, including in part: "Have you had enough time since the break-up to think clearly? Do you still feel hurt, resentment, or nostalgia about the breakup? Could I still be friends with them if they started dating someone new?"

@thetalkcbs

So let's say you pass the test questions and your reasons for wanting to stay friends, although not always black-and-white, come from a healthy and secure place. (And, of course, there's no toxic energy that's unresolved.) Then the following are absolute reasons you SHOULD stay buds:

You simply like one another.

Your lives are intertwined (you share a child, a pet, a group of friends) and it's just easier to be civil.

You were already friends before you got romantic—no reason to change it.

Redditors have thoughts. In the subreddit r/BreakUps, someone simply asks, "Did you stay friends with your ex?" Hundreds of comments flood the page, and they don't hold back. Some are all for it. "It sound weird but I don't want to not be friends with him as he is someone I care about dearly."

Others, not so much: "Absolutely not. You don’t want all of me, you don’t get the bits you do want."

A man clearly states he's breaking up with you. Giphy Amazon Prime Video, I Want You Back movie

And still some give thoughtful, yet complicated answers: "To be friends with an ex, one needs to stop caring—stop caring about the romantic relationship. One must be able to say, 'I would be okay to go out to dinner with my ex-partner and her new boyfriend/fiancé.'"

One person notes, "Friendships are possible. Heavy emphasis on possible."

But for this person, it's probably out of the question: "She tried to stab me with a screwdriver."